My speedy flight back to the flat absolutely wasted me, and the second I got in I practically collapsed in the wicker chair that Derek got me as a flat warming present. It was old and it was rickety but it seemed to fit in with the rest of my home perfectly. I was still feeling rather dazed from the message on the bottom of the receipt. It felt silly to get so worked up over a few lines on paper, but I did not know how to react to such a blatant proposition.
Perhaps this was where my early dating years in London had ruined me. Here everything was about playing games, not in an unkind way, but more like a social dance. Everyone had a pokerface about what was really going throughout their minds, never showing their hands until they had a good idea of what cards the other guy had. I had been pretty good at playing the game before Aidan came on the scene. Unfortunately that left me completely unprepared for someone who actually preferred the direct approach.
My phone jingled in my pocket, an auditory spray of cold water in the face and it broke off my cycle of thoughts about the audacity of the indie boy.
I fished it out and saw it was a response from Rosie,
"What shop are you in right now? Xx" as blunt as ever.
I sent a speedy reply to let her know I was back at the flat. I didn't tell her why, it would of been too tricky to explain, I just didn't have the emotional capacity to condense and summarise it for the benefit of a text.
Her response was just as instant as mine.
"On my way, I'm bringing ice cream and vodka xxx."
I had to hand it to the girl, she certainly did know her way to a sad gay mans heart. Of course it was only just noon, so she had to assume that alcohol was the best remedy, a couple of hours earlier it would of been a bag of chips.
Rosie worked at an HMV a couple of tube stops away, so she would be here pretty quickly. The fact that it was the middle of the day didn't matter, she was engaged to Mike the manager of the branch and he tended to let her get away with a lot. For instance running out after half a day, smoking by the entrance, and on one memorable occasion getting a bit hot and bothered with him in the stock room. That being said on that latter point he had been a willing accomplice so he was hardly going to be in the mood to punish.
Of course that also meant that I didn't have much time to clean up my pig sty of a home. I was a little bit anal about cleanliness when other people were in my personal space. Me on my own and I could quite happily let the mess pile up to the ceiling. But the second I knew there was going to be someone else coming I had to at least attempt to clear it up.
I was tempted to just leave it this once, I didn't feel up to an adrenaline soaked blitz through the flat, especially since Rosie has on more than one occasion destroyed my flat after one or two of our more heinous nights in. Still I could not help it my hands reached immediately for the dirty clothes and I started transferring them to the hamper, along with the bed linen. I had already taken all the plates into the kitchen and started washing em when the buzzer went off on the hall phone. I didn't even bother to check who it was and I pressed the button to let her in the front door, she would then have to climb the stairs a couple of flights to get to me, I had asked her nice why she didn't bother with the lift, and she answered only, "the smell". I gave a quick look round the flat, and regretted that I had not fobbed her off with excuses, the place was still a tip, but it was too late now.
Knock, knock, knock.
I sighed and I went to get the door.
As soon as I opened my home up to her she wasted no time barging past me, If I wasn't used to it she would of trampled me, or crushed me behind the door.
"OK I am sticking the vodka and the freezer, you can thank me for that tonight, but the ice cream is vanilla for you and cookie dough for me, and for that I deserve a nice big smacked in the lips right now," she turned to me and I had one second to appraise her appearance before she gave me a very loud and overly dramatic kiss on the lips. She knew I batted for the other team, but she liked making me uncomfortable.
My Rosie was a 5'8" Irish girl, with bottle red hair that hung about her head in tight curls like a crimson halo. Her eyes were a deep chocolate brown and her lips were always bright blood red, and mixed with her hair made her skin a milky pale which brought all the more richness to her colouring. She had an immediate likability to her and when she laughed it was infectious as chicken pox.
She broke away from me eventually and I dramatically wiped my lips.
"Why are gay boys always the best kissers." It wasn't a question, and I felt probably not entirely accurate but I was too used to her ways now to be phased by it. She had turned her back on me and rustled through her bags.
"OK I need a couple of spoons here before I end up with a nice pair of flavoured puddles on the floor."
This was one of the things that defined my relationship with Rosie, we usually bonded over food, drink and snacks. I swear to God I would not ever eat so much if she wasn't piling high another plate for me. We had actually met at a party last year, but we talked like we had known each other our whole lives. She passed me a bowl of vanilla ice cream and walked past me towards the sofa and emphatically threw herself into it, nestling quickly against the arm rest. She drew up her legs so she could rest her own bowl on them, and she looked at me, and I knew what she was going to ask.
"So how are you holding up babes?" It was a question that didn't need answering, she knew me well enough to know I was not handling this well at all.
"Serious truth?"
"Always."
"Im still hoping I get to wake up in a minute. That it was just a very bad dream" with Rosie lies were impossible, but in this case the truth was just as hard. To be truthful with her, I needed to be truthful with myself, and the truth was that I was hurt, and badly.
She just looked at me with those chocolate eyes, and patted the sofa with her free hand, calling me to sit with her. I could not say no, even knowing there would be more questions to come. The well was tapped, and now all that ice water from earlier was beginning to rush to the surface. I sat down and spooned some of my vanilla ice-cream in my mouth, and I kept quiet, I didn't want to volunteer anything yet, things still felt a little too raw for that, but I knew she would question me on something and I would answer.
"Has he called at all?"
"No" I managed, keeping my voice even and as unemotional as possible, "but then after that last slagging match we had I don't think he would."
"Slagging match? Seriously? Where was I?"
"The bar, where else", I smiled to her and she smiled back taking my jab in the humour it was intended. "to be honest it was over so fast, you didn't miss much." Rosie stared at me in a quiet, almost thoughtful way. She didn't break eye contact with me as she ate, begging me with her eyes to continue. "One of the doormen came over when he started yelling ..... so I took it as my cue and left." The memory still felt raw, and my voice had begun to quaver as the corners of my eyes began to sting. I looked up to the ceiling waiting for the emotion to pass so I could continue. "There was just no way that I was going to stay there after I found out about that other guy."
My memory flashed and an image was thrown up like a a poloroid. Aidan, my Aidan kissing someone else. I like to think I'm as liberal as the next man, I know that my ex would give the odd peck on the cheek to his mates, and some of them had been gay men, that never bothered me. But on that night, that felt so close that it might of happened last night, I had seen him in the arms of another man, and It was not a peck on a cheek, it was a proper full on snog. I could still picture the other man, very tall, very topless, and the kind if gym perfect body that made the naturally skinny men of this world weep.
I filled Rosie in on everything that I knew. The man was named Christian, and apparently he had actually dated Aidan a few years previously, but only briefly. He was a tall blonde haired young man from Basildon, and went to the dance academy that was based there, he also managed to secure occasional work as a member of Star Quality, a typically extreme cabaret come gogo dance review which tended to work out of some of the clubs and pubs around town. As a result he became a famous face, and a famous body.
I only found out after Aidan and I had been out for a few months that that they had a brief romance before. I remember the first thing I felt was tremendous inadequacy. This was a gorgeous guy, perfect muscle definition, and am exhibitionist nature, and in looked at myself and I saw a little runt by comparison. Of course Aidan always said he was much happier with me, of course things had changed.
Rosie was as patient as ever, and even when I had finished filling her in on Christian and how he and Aidan knew each other she still kept quiet. In all honesty it was quite eerie, I had never known her to go this long without filling the silence, but I felt grateful too, it meant I had more time to rein my emotions back under control.
"I spoke to him a couple of days after the fight" she said it so quietly and so calmly that I froze, I could hardly believe what it was saying. "He said he was torn up by what had happened, and that he was sorry he hurt you, and that he wanted to talk when you were ready" My head swivelled round so fast I nearly gave myself whiplash as I turned to stare at her, my first impulse to scream and demand to know why she hadn't said sooner, but she cut me off.
" I was going to tell you at the time," I hated how it was almost like she could read my mind.
"Why didn't you?"
"Well.. you weren't picking up the phone," she stammered quickly, hearing the unusual edge to my voice "Then I thought it would be better if I came and told you in the flesh." she reached over and out a hand in my shoulder. "Are you mad at me?"
If I was honest, I wanted to be mad. I could not explain why but somehow it felt like my ex was a personal and private pain. I dont know how it came to be that way, after all Rosie had been friends with him for years before we got together. But still something cold and irrational deep inside me flared white-hot at the mention of his name. But there was my red haired friend with her hand on my shoulder, and her face was etched with guilt. She had only done what she thought was right, how could I let myself be mad at her. The simple answer was "I can't".
I took her hand from my shoulder, and gripped it tightly in my right and I pulled her toward me so she could lean against my chest and I let my other arm rest against her shoulder.
"Of course I'm not mad at you," I filled the words with as much sincerity as I could, trying to harpoon my anger before it crested and emerged. "You weren't the one who cheated and kissed another man..... For once" I turned to her and winked, hoping the light job would clear the air, and she snorted back a laugh in return.
She squeezed my hand for a minute longer, both of us trying to get comfortable in the pregnant silence. Normally it was so effortless for us to talk to each other about anything, but here I could sense that she was walking on egg shells
"Men suck, and not in the good way" she managed after a long moment, still trying to make me laugh. I smiled in response but I could not fake a laugh, I felt raw and exposed again, and I didn't want to risk drawing too much emotion to the surface, I was afraid I would not be able to handle too much feeling to soon.
"So he said he wants to talk?" I felt her go tense as the words left my lips.
"He said anytime you were ready to just call or text him" the words slipped out quickly, she was seriously uncomfortable being the piggy in the middle so I just let the matter slide and decided to think about it later. I knew I wanted to see him, even after all that had happened, there was still the need to see his face. But now the need felt perverse and wrong, I needed to give myself time to sort this out in my head before I did anything else.
"So what did you get?"
"Huh?" I was pulled back to reality with an almost audible thud, "sorry was miles away."
"At the shops. You said you were shopping earlier."
"Ah right." I shrugged. "Nothing much really a couple of shirts and I went for a coffee." suddenly a light went off in my head and I remembered the earlier confusion. "Oh, and you are not going to believe this babes, but I actually got asked out, how weird is that." I actually smiled, I hadn't been expecting it either. My sudden smile seemed to help Rosie to unwind too, she suddenly became a lot chirpier.
"You serious?" She joyfully slapped my arm, "why didn't you say."
"I actually forgot until just now, it was just the most random thing, I think he is new and works at the shop I go to you know the one?" She nodded emphatically. "Anyway I was getting my stuff and I had my back turned because I was texting you at the same time, and he wrote out his name and number on the receipt when he out it in my bag." I reached down to the plastic carrier which was next to the sofa and rummaged through till I found the piece of paper and handed it to her. "Take a look for yourself."
She held the receipt and scrutinised it closely. "Jay." she sighed and pressed the receipt to her chest. "I'm in love already, so tell me is he gorgeous? He's gorgeous right?" she looked at me with a look of mock judgement, but I knew she was actually thrilled.
"I guess so, to be honest I wasn't looking all that closely, had a lot on my mind at the time. I think he is cute in an indie boy sort of way, longish hair really dark, and he did have really nice eyes." She started fanning herself for effect, and I could not help but giggle a little at the sight. Surely this was a drag queen trapped in a girls body.
"What did you say when you text him?"
"I haven't text him at all yet. I don't think i can go out with him." Her facial expression froze and quickly shifted to confusion as if I started speaking a foreign language.
"Why not?"
"Well, it's a bit soon. I mean Aidan and I only split up a few weeks ago. Don't you think?"
She suddenly slapped my arm again but there was no Joy in it, and it did sting.
"Oi, what was that for then?"
"Are you out of your mind? A cute fit boy asks you out and you are worried about your ex?" She puffed herself up in indignation. "Look I know you are a sweet boy, but still I sometimes want to hit you. I mean you have been shut up in here for god knows how long..." she suddenly trailed off
"I know what you are saying, but come on it's been a couple of weeks that's all. I am not sure if I would feel right." It was true, I was never the sort of person who jumped from one man to the next like a boy crazy flea. "I mean I'm sure there has to be some sort of rest period".
"Lovey, that's been and past, besides it looks like a date that's all. Doesn't mean he is going to slip a ring on your finger. Unless-"
"-No!!! I am not in to that" I gave her the dirtiest look that I could manage without laughing back at her.
"What I mean to say is..... It's a date with a cute boy, and between you and me, I think you deserve one after the last few weeks." She suddenly checked her watch. "Look hunny, I need to shoot, I need to get back to work soon."
"What you didn't take the rest of the day off then? Normally Mike let's you wander off whenever you want.
"Weeeell, thats sort of what happens...." she started to look a little guilty "but I didnt ask him before i left. Technically this counts as my lunch break and I think I am going to be seriously late....." She checked her watch again, "I am so going to have to do some sick and wrong things to my boyfriend to get out of this one.
She came close and wrapped her arms around my neck again. "Call me later tonight, and promise me that you will text the cute fit guy."
"Fine, I promise." my stomach suddenly felt like it was dropping through the floor at the thought.
"OK" she whispered. She disengaged herself from me and gave me another of her mischievous smiles, "I expect a full report by tomorrow morning soldier, and don't you chicken out or I will make you give back the vodka." she kissed my cheek and headed for the door. "Tata darling!"
She walked out the door without another word, and I sat there feeling as though a bomb had been let off. The flat suddenly felt empty, and too quiet, and far too untidy. I knew I would have to get into gear and clean up but now I had something more important to do. I knew she would kill me if I didn't text the indie boy, so with far too much reluctance and more than a little trembling in my hands, I pulled out my phone and looking at the receipt I checked the number and started to send a text.
